Keep or Rewrite? Review please? i dont know why but im in a yahoo ans mood right now and yeah, posting a lot. could be worse, i cuodl be a twihard. nah i <3 reviews. helps me improve and all that jazz.
again, tolkien times so no trolling on the names -.-
I just stood there, rooted to the ground, eyes filling with tears that I kept wiping away. I couldn’t cry, not in front of this man.
The woman held my baby brother tight in her arms. Her wiry black hair was sticking up at all angles, tears rolled down her cheeks in multiples of two or three at a time. She was curled up on the ground at the foot of a stone wall, looking up at the man advancing on her.
‘Please,’ she whispered hoarsely, ‘please, please don’t. He’s my son. You can’t -’
‘Shut up.’
The man was clad head to toe in black clothing, with a hood over his head and a long cloak around his body. My teenage mind instantly classified him as a bad guy…I didn’t care about what his motive may be, all I knew was that my little brother was in danger.
‘NOW!’ He raised his voice and my mother cried harder, hugging her youngest son to her chest.
‘Please, I’ll do anything,’ she begged. ‘Take me instead. Leave my son alone, please!’
The man took several steps forward, one hand resting on the hilt of a sword in a scabbard at his belt. I wanted desperately just to jump on him and beat him down, just to get him away from my family. But I’d seen what he could do, and I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance. Nonetheless, my hands balled into fists with blood-lust. I had never hated anything in my life as much as I hated this man.
I saw my mother’s hand clasp around something on the ground. Slowly, she clambered to her feet and the man unsheathed his blade – a cold, cruel thing curved sleekly up so that the tip glimmered in the dim twilight surrounding us. My mother looked at me standing behind them. Before I knew what was happening, she’d opened her balled hand and launched her missile – a chunk of rock – at the man’s head. As he staggered, she ran forward and shoved my brother into my arms.
‘Varlin, run. Just run,’ she begged. Over her shoulder, I saw the man steadying himself and turning to face us. ‘Just go. Please. Don’t stop to fight, don’t be hero. Just get Zeth out of here. Go!’
She shoved me backwards and I didn’t think, I just bolted out of there. My brother was screaming protests, too young to understand I was trying to save him. I held him tight and weaved through the burning, ghostly remains of our hometown.
Somewhere behind me, a woman’s scream pierced the air. I squeezed my eyes shut and still ran, tears burning behind my eyelids.
After that one cry, there was complete silence.
That is Amazing I think you should definitely keep it, except the teenage mind bit, try and change it to something a little less obvious if you get what I mean.
And there wasn’t any need for the Twihard comment, there are still some sane people like me who love TWILIGHT but aren’t insane about it.
Anyways love what you’ve got so far what is the name of your book?
Just realised everyone ha ssuddenly decided to start writig books lol. References : Me and my chocolate..? Are those sources?
You’ve got it. But you haven’t got it, if you get what I mean.
Like, you’re vocab is great (high five), and you’re sentence structure is whacktastic (that’s a compliment. I just love the word whacktastic), but seriously; this did not hold my attention at all.
You’re probably not used to being downtrodden, because you’re writing is really good, but this reminds me of a typical fantasy/orphan/hero novel. It’s not my thing.
But, I like strange things, so this may be just a ‘me’ thing. Not you.
"It’s not you. It’s me."
EDIT: Okay, the two above me loved it, so maybe it is a ‘me’ thing.
Sorry if I made you cry a little :p I hate negative feedback, too. References :
WOW. i really like it. I think you should keep it. Maybe you could add more description, more irony, more tension, just keep developing, it’s really good. If you’re like me, you probably will perfect it til you have to walk away in the end but it sounds powerful already. References :
I would tweak it just a bit, to make it more realistic, but keep going and write more.
First, in a situation like that, I don’t think the mom would talk so much, take that much time. Maybe something more like, "Run! Get him out of here!"
I also woudn’t refer to my mom as "the woman," would you?
I don’t have a problem with the names. I just don’t think, when the life of her child is at stake, a mother is likely to call them by their names and waste time explaining what to do- she would be more frantic and be pushing them away… References :
ok well its amazing i can tell you that but, most teenagers,myself included, wouldn’t have just stood there, we would’ve hit him on the head or something since he wasn’t looking at us,so if there was someone helping the man you could add that info.sorry if it hurts but that would be MY reaction so if its stupid please just ignore me. References :
Keep or Rewrite? Review please?
i dont know why but im in a yahoo ans mood right now and yeah, posting a lot. could be worse, i cuodl be a twihard. nah i <3 reviews. helps me improve and all that jazz.
again, tolkien times so no trolling on the names -.-
I just stood there, rooted to the ground, eyes filling with tears that I kept wiping away. I couldn’t cry, not in front of this man.
The woman held my baby brother tight in her arms. Her wiry black hair was sticking up at all angles, tears rolled down her cheeks in multiples of two or three at a time. She was curled up on the ground at the foot of a stone wall, looking up at the man advancing on her.
‘Please,’ she whispered hoarsely, ‘please, please don’t. He’s my son. You can’t -’
‘Shut up.’
The man was clad head to toe in black clothing, with a hood over his head and a long cloak around his body. My teenage mind instantly classified him as a bad guy…I didn’t care about what his motive may be, all I knew was that my little brother was in danger.
‘NOW!’ He raised his voice and my mother cried harder, hugging her youngest son to her chest.
‘Please, I’ll do anything,’ she begged. ‘Take me instead. Leave my son alone, please!’
The man took several steps forward, one hand resting on the hilt of a sword in a scabbard at his belt. I wanted desperately just to jump on him and beat him down, just to get him away from my family. But I’d seen what he could do, and I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance. Nonetheless, my hands balled into fists with blood-lust. I had never hated anything in my life as much as I hated this man.
I saw my mother’s hand clasp around something on the ground. Slowly, she clambered to her feet and the man unsheathed his blade – a cold, cruel thing curved sleekly up so that the tip glimmered in the dim twilight surrounding us. My mother looked at me standing behind them. Before I knew what was happening, she’d opened her balled hand and launched her missile – a chunk of rock – at the man’s head. As he staggered, she ran forward and shoved my brother into my arms.
‘Varlin, run. Just run,’ she begged. Over her shoulder, I saw the man steadying himself and turning to face us. ‘Just go. Please. Don’t stop to fight, don’t be hero. Just get Zeth out of here. Go!’
She shoved me backwards and I didn’t think, I just bolted out of there. My brother was screaming protests, too young to understand I was trying to save him. I held him tight and weaved through the burning, ghostly remains of our hometown.
Somewhere behind me, a woman’s scream pierced the air. I squeezed my eyes shut and still ran, tears burning behind my eyelids.
After that one cry, there was complete silence.
That is Amazing I think you should definitely keep it, except the teenage mind bit, try and change it to something a little less obvious if you get what I mean.
And there wasn’t any need for the Twihard comment, there are still some sane people like me who love TWILIGHT but aren’t insane about it.
Anyways love what you’ve got so far what is the name of your book?
Just realised everyone ha ssuddenly decided to start writig books lol.
References :
Me and my chocolate..? Are those sources?
Woah, that’s really good! I want to keep reading..
Good job, I can’t really find anything wrong with it.
Definately keep
References :
You’ve got it. But you haven’t got it, if you get what I mean.
Like, you’re vocab is great (high five), and you’re sentence structure is whacktastic (that’s a compliment. I just love the word whacktastic), but seriously; this did not hold my attention at all.
You’re probably not used to being downtrodden, because you’re writing is really good, but this reminds me of a typical fantasy/orphan/hero novel. It’s not my thing.
But, I like strange things, so this may be just a ‘me’ thing. Not you.
"It’s not you. It’s me."
EDIT: Okay, the two above me loved it, so maybe it is a ‘me’ thing.
Sorry if I made you cry a little :p I hate negative feedback, too.
References :
WOW. i really like it. I think you should keep it. Maybe you could add more description, more irony, more tension, just keep developing, it’s really good. If you’re like me, you probably will perfect it til you have to walk away in the end but it sounds powerful already.
References :
I would tweak it just a bit, to make it more realistic, but keep going and write more.
First, in a situation like that, I don’t think the mom would talk so much, take that much time. Maybe something more like, "Run! Get him out of here!"
I also woudn’t refer to my mom as "the woman," would you?
I don’t have a problem with the names. I just don’t think, when the life of her child is at stake, a mother is likely to call them by their names and waste time explaining what to do- she would be more frantic and be pushing them away…
References :
ok well its amazing i can tell you that but, most teenagers,myself included, wouldn’t have just stood there, we would’ve hit him on the head or something since he wasn’t looking at us,so if there was someone helping the man you could add that info.sorry if it hurts but that would be MY reaction so if its stupid please just ignore me.
References :